Okay, I’m Single, Now What?

There comes a point in life where you decide to take a break from dating and focus on yourself. This is usually because of two reasons. 

1. Your last date that ended terribly. Perhaps with you paying the bill or finding out he lives with his mom, and he would like to move in with you, probably after dessert. 

Or mine:

2. Your ex decided to ignore your humiliating 1am come over text after bottomless brunch rolled into happy hour then rolled into one more martini for the road.

 You’ve now decided to turn a new leaf. You’re going to delete all the dating apps, block all the good for nothing exes and focus on you. The question is- Where do you go from here? I have good news! Your ex ignoring that 1am text is a one-way ticket to rock bottom with a side of despair, so there’s no way to go but up. 

Usually, men tend to vanish at the first mention of responsibility. A simple ‘what are we’ text message or a can we go out during the day, as in sunlight, where we can be seen by others will send them running for miles. For some this might mean the crushing weight of loneliness and very greasy Chinese food-but not us! We’re going to gate-keep, gaslight and girlboss ourselves to success!

There is a deafening silence once you decide to pick yourself. Your phone can get busier than the Charing Cross McDonalds at 4am when you’re still doing things for the plot. You were on three different dating apps, and having quick and convenient sex with your ex from three years ago, but what happens when you get serious about dating responsibly and prioritizing your mental health?

You will need to fill the void of your previous semblance of a love life. A hobby that will totally consume you, so you have no spare time to think about what was. Personally, I’ve decided to take gym seriously and start this blog. This is your time to invest in a new hobby! Tennis, online backgammon, cross country track and field. Now that you’ve decided to apply some sort of standards to your dating life, you will finally have the time to try anything that has ever piqued your interest.

It's important to remember that you might make a mistake and fall back into former patterns. No one expects you to go from going to the gym every three weeks to Serena Williams fitness level overnight. You might also fall into the trap of re-downloading Tinder or Hinge or your preferred dating app. 

You might be feeling lonely or wander maybe this time it’ll be different, hopefully this guy won’t be in three different open relationships. The important thing is to not be so hard on yourself. To quote the late great Aaliyah, ‘what if you don’t succeed, dust yourself and try again’

Dating isn’t linear. And I’m probably the last person to be giving advice anyway. Do what feels good and don’t do what doesn’t. Do everything, everything except 'friends with benefits’ There are no benefits to that arrangement, I can promise you that.

How to be single

Cowboy carter plays softly on the radio. It’s a Wednesday evening and I’m on my third glass of this fruity red. I think about when I would scour dating apps all hours of the night; Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, E-Harmony. You name it- I was on it. I even tried Christian Mingle-I did- I tried Christian Mingle. In hopes that there was a nice, handsome, 6’7, God fearing, ethically wealthy man- with a country house and a Labrador to match waiting for me.

1.     Wealthy guys most likely aren’t on dating apps.

2.     Is there such a thing as Ethical wealth? 

3.      6’7 guys are quite literally the opposite of God fearing. Height privilege and all that.

Sometimes it feels like all my romantic matches were swept up by famine or maybe disease. Perhaps the bubonic black plague pandemic that occurred between 1346 to 1353?!

Jokes aside, I am absolutely fascinated with love. I believe we were created, perfectly manufactured to receive and give love and sometimes it feels like you just can’t fucking get it- romantic love at least. I would go on hinge dates with guys I swiped right on after a 4am bender in hopes that maybe this could finally be the ‘one’. Here are somethings I learnt:

·      Lesson no 1. You can’t pick the one on a dating app after an alarming amount of vodka sodas and tequila shots.

·      Lesson no 2. He’s probably only looking for a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement and wants to hook up (probably that same night).

·      Lesson no 3.  He wants you to pay for the second round.

·      Lesson no 4. If the date magically manages to go the least bit well and you feel yourself get slightly excited, he WILL ghost you. I don’t make the rules.

This is followed by a few days of processing. You wonder to yourself- did I put out too quickly, did I not put out quickly enough? It’s quite heartbreaking- ghosting, like finding the perfect jeans on the sale rack at H&M and there being every size imaginable except your own and it doesn’t stop there, H&M has also decided to discontinue producing that jean, forever.  

It’s one of those things where you don’t know until you know. I mean how can they just leave? We would have been perfect, you whisper to yourself while your left eye twitches scrolling through texts trying to figure out where it all went wrong.

The truth is people make decisions rarely because of what you did but because of how they feel, getting yourself to believe that is the difficult part. Try living in London surrounded by the constant myriad of couples. Trying to snatch yourself an eligible bachelor? Okay diva. Your options are either to doom scroll on various dating apps and battle it out with the rest of us OR get ready to pay £20 for a bar in Soho on a Saturday night and well… battle it out with rest of us. 

I think in the pursuit of romance we sometimes forget the array of other loves that are available to us. The love of a good friend, a fabulous book, a mouthwatering delicious chocolate cake. In fact, I have decided after numerous TikTok edits of the best show in the world- Sex and the city- that even though romantic love might feel like the missing piece that makes us whole- there are other delights in life.

I would spend my weekends on constant first dates with guys I knew weren’t looking for anything for serious. Wasted outfits and misspent Friday nights have led me to make an official decision. I’ve decided to date myself. There is so much more to us as people. We have pets that we adore, and we like jazz, and stylish clothes and BuzzFeed quizzes and we have dreams that we put aside. 

Earnestly, I’m very excited to be writing this and starting this blog. I just have so much I want to say. I know what it’s like to be always the bridesmaid never the bride, the guilty pleasure, the midnight snack, the taboo, the dessert after 3am… and to that I say SOD OFF! Everyone knows bridesmaids have more fun at weddings anyway- I think- I haven’t been to one since I was five.